versus

I had a strong belief that I was pretty stupid for much of my schooling history. This is one of the few detriments of being placed in in a GATE/advanced placement program for having unique skills, beyond the verbal/visual/mathematical realms in a system that thrives in the v/v/m.

It was a common thought to learn something, thoroughly not understand it, and just move on because it was too hard to learn. I felt stupid enough, asking for help-- especially when help was already given-- it would just hurt my already lowered self-esteem even more. I ended up with holes in my knowledge and a limited opportunity to feel achievement. I remember learning words and their pronunciation and deliberately skipping them because I just so didn't want to say them incorrectly. I had to take the GATE placement test year after year because I was certain my scores just were not good enough.

And there wasn't much commonly held relief. I had poor penmanship, as well as drawing, coloring, and crafting skills. It didn't matter if it was a puzzle, a book report or a art project, I suffered all the same. I would later discover my improvisation skills and from there some fine expressing skills that occasionally allowed me the opportunity to thrive. Those didn't really begin until perhaps 6th grade, though.

So, I had social skills and some nice friendships (who always happened to be such brilliant kids, as we follow what we want to see) but school had no relief. I was just stupid. High school added to these hitches as suddenly I couldn't begin to thrive socially without trying desperately to change who I was, or so it seemed. The college-prep high school I attended was so filled with brilliant people and the material was so advanced, in most classes I earned C's.

I think prior to High School, I could get by on my behavior of being a "good boy." Homework was always completed, certainly not perfectly but completed, I was never disruptive in class and attempted to be a constantly positive, team player. But this didn't work any more in high school. It didn't matter how you acted, it mattered only if you learned and did the assignments. And these assignments were HARD. The books were boring and inapplicable. I discovered Cliff's notes and online summaries. In retrospect, I think I finished perhaps four of the many books we were to have read. It's such a divine hypocrisy: I don't want to work because it was going to make me feel incompetent, but working would be the only way to gain skills. That's not to say I didn't work- I recall pre-calculus homework in Junior year being so intense, it would take the entire evening to complete, without opportunity for work on the six other readings or assignments.

This time, the only relief came from the form of an infrequent yet exciting social circle and additional expression, in the form of theatre. Getting good roles may have been hit or miss, but it was always a thrill to read from a script, put on a costume and collaborate to make a work come to life.

Attending a public University allowed me to further hone skills. Everything was much easier, even though the material was advanced. Perhaps I was in a system that didn't expect so many to learn so quickly. I took classes that I was actually interested in, and enjoyed, that made me want to learn, and if it was exciting enough, it would make me ask for help, as well. An interpersonal learner, I thrived on study groups, and made friends with fellow Psychology majors who had similar work ethics and learning methods similar to myself.

Today, I have been working in low-level positions with social services agencies and worked in elementary schools through AmeriCorps and can say I have some applicable and accessible skills. Tomorrow I take the next chapter and begin graduate school for a Master's in Social Work program. A program of only 25, I know I will be holding study groups and doing work with people I will know well, who will mirror my passions. I'm really scared, excited, and curious. At the end of the day I observe an awareness that I didn't have in my past: I actually like to learn. ...so long as it doesn't damage my sense of self by making me feel foolish, ignorant or incompetent.

In writing this, I debated making this an inspirational piece to modify to school system, but found that wasn't necessary. This was written as a comparison of the then versus the now. This is the first time I am choosing to go to school, choosing which school to attend and choosing exactly what I want to learn. A wise friend told me not to fuck it up- and while I have one powerful voice inside that says, "OH GOD I JUST MIGHT," I have another, new, uprising voice that says, "I got this."

I breathe deep and am going to attempt to enjoy my fear (it masks my enthusiasm but designates it) and relish in my confidence- which in the past has been tremendously infrequent.

I think that voice in my head that just says "No No No!" is starting to subside. Probably because my faith in God* is growing stronger.






*Everything: Energy, connection, essence, expression, environment, movement, instinct. More than a force, more than a man, pure Love, we are its living beings, its messengers.

I try- so hard- to be positive. I can do that great in front of people. Spinning things and presenting them in a positive light, I love to do it and people love me for it. Then, at the end of the day, by myself and in my head, it isn't positive. It hasn't been in a long time. I try so hard to find that perfect fit, oh it's HERE< here is where I belong, and it is near-impossible to find the fit that you want and that wants you.

Places change and even that place which used to be IT is certainly not it. New places pop up that appear promising and than are plainly not. I hate asking what to do with myself... I would rather be so busy that I don't have to ask that question at all.

I want to make the most of where I am but it is really hard. It is foolishly and surprisingly tempting to go back to where it all started, but I can't help thinking that that wouldn't evolve me, and it would end up being more disappointing than I expected.

I am reaching new heights of discovery through my new lows of struggle.

It really sucks and I'd recommend it for everyone.

The main reason I'm really off: It appears my only real skill is to support people. This is fine, I'm at least going into a field that will nurture that, but hot damn if it bites me in the ass.

I need to DO MORE. Get my body moving, find a new trade, feel like I am good at something other than working with people, which is so damn subjective and fluid. That's the other part, I am craving some absolute truths. This is where political work comes in... I find the spiritual progressive movement to be as close to Perfect as it gets.

I wish I didn't ask for this, but I'm going to: I want connections. Ideas. Either a group to join to feel like I am DOING SOMETHING or a trade to pick up. Something that isn't people-oriented. Something different.

If you know me and you know what I go for... suggest.

But I will find something on my own.

the chanj

It's interesting how life changes happen together. I moved two weeks ago to West Oakland from South Berkeley. It was my third move in two years. The first time, I made a big move from Redwood City to Berkeley and had to find work in the area, which was difficult. The second time, I moved down the 5 blocks away in Berkeley, I started my current job at just around the same time I moved. New job and new house.

Two weeks ago, I found comfort in the fact that I had the same job at the same place, but was living in a totally new neighborhood, and work now took only 7 minutes to get there. And then what happens? They completely change my schedule around.

For near two months, I was doing exclusively evening shifts, 4pm-12am, on the weekends and certain days during the week. My other job was in the afternoon, too, so I got into the practice of regularly staying up late and sleeping in. Mornings were a time for sleeping, evenings were for functioning. I'd do productive work when I got home, and would stay up till 4am some nights.

Then... they ask me to do day shift. 7-3. DAILY.

Suddenly I'm heading to bed at 10pm. And actually being asleep by 11. The bed is enjoyable and nice to be in at 10, and it gives me some time to read. The alarm goes off around 6. Completely different schedule, almost like moving to an entire different country.

I didn't even start my once regular evening routine when I moved to "WOak". Right at the time of the move, I was instantly doing day shifts, which truly felt like a huge change.

You can take nothing for granted because change will always happen. Luckily, though, in time, you can see the positives in the changes that have occurred. Day shifts feel right, now. On one particularly difficult morning, hopping into the car at 6:50 did not feel right at all... but then came Madonna's new song, which I had never heard before, blasting through the radio. It was exactly what I needed at the moment and the Universes way of saying, "This isn't a fluke, this IS it now."