I try- so hard- to be positive. I can do that great in front of people. Spinning things and presenting them in a positive light, I love to do it and people love me for it. Then, at the end of the day, by myself and in my head, it isn't positive. It hasn't been in a long time. I try so hard to find that perfect fit, oh it's HERE< here is where I belong, and it is near-impossible to find the fit that you want and that wants you.

Places change and even that place which used to be IT is certainly not it. New places pop up that appear promising and than are plainly not. I hate asking what to do with myself... I would rather be so busy that I don't have to ask that question at all.

I want to make the most of where I am but it is really hard. It is foolishly and surprisingly tempting to go back to where it all started, but I can't help thinking that that wouldn't evolve me, and it would end up being more disappointing than I expected.

I am reaching new heights of discovery through my new lows of struggle.

It really sucks and I'd recommend it for everyone.

The main reason I'm really off: It appears my only real skill is to support people. This is fine, I'm at least going into a field that will nurture that, but hot damn if it bites me in the ass.

I need to DO MORE. Get my body moving, find a new trade, feel like I am good at something other than working with people, which is so damn subjective and fluid. That's the other part, I am craving some absolute truths. This is where political work comes in... I find the spiritual progressive movement to be as close to Perfect as it gets.

I wish I didn't ask for this, but I'm going to: I want connections. Ideas. Either a group to join to feel like I am DOING SOMETHING or a trade to pick up. Something that isn't people-oriented. Something different.

If you know me and you know what I go for... suggest.

But I will find something on my own.