versus

I had a strong belief that I was pretty stupid for much of my schooling history. This is one of the few detriments of being placed in in a GATE/advanced placement program for having unique skills, beyond the verbal/visual/mathematical realms in a system that thrives in the v/v/m.

It was a common thought to learn something, thoroughly not understand it, and just move on because it was too hard to learn. I felt stupid enough, asking for help-- especially when help was already given-- it would just hurt my already lowered self-esteem even more. I ended up with holes in my knowledge and a limited opportunity to feel achievement. I remember learning words and their pronunciation and deliberately skipping them because I just so didn't want to say them incorrectly. I had to take the GATE placement test year after year because I was certain my scores just were not good enough.

And there wasn't much commonly held relief. I had poor penmanship, as well as drawing, coloring, and crafting skills. It didn't matter if it was a puzzle, a book report or a art project, I suffered all the same. I would later discover my improvisation skills and from there some fine expressing skills that occasionally allowed me the opportunity to thrive. Those didn't really begin until perhaps 6th grade, though.

So, I had social skills and some nice friendships (who always happened to be such brilliant kids, as we follow what we want to see) but school had no relief. I was just stupid. High school added to these hitches as suddenly I couldn't begin to thrive socially without trying desperately to change who I was, or so it seemed. The college-prep high school I attended was so filled with brilliant people and the material was so advanced, in most classes I earned C's.

I think prior to High School, I could get by on my behavior of being a "good boy." Homework was always completed, certainly not perfectly but completed, I was never disruptive in class and attempted to be a constantly positive, team player. But this didn't work any more in high school. It didn't matter how you acted, it mattered only if you learned and did the assignments. And these assignments were HARD. The books were boring and inapplicable. I discovered Cliff's notes and online summaries. In retrospect, I think I finished perhaps four of the many books we were to have read. It's such a divine hypocrisy: I don't want to work because it was going to make me feel incompetent, but working would be the only way to gain skills. That's not to say I didn't work- I recall pre-calculus homework in Junior year being so intense, it would take the entire evening to complete, without opportunity for work on the six other readings or assignments.

This time, the only relief came from the form of an infrequent yet exciting social circle and additional expression, in the form of theatre. Getting good roles may have been hit or miss, but it was always a thrill to read from a script, put on a costume and collaborate to make a work come to life.

Attending a public University allowed me to further hone skills. Everything was much easier, even though the material was advanced. Perhaps I was in a system that didn't expect so many to learn so quickly. I took classes that I was actually interested in, and enjoyed, that made me want to learn, and if it was exciting enough, it would make me ask for help, as well. An interpersonal learner, I thrived on study groups, and made friends with fellow Psychology majors who had similar work ethics and learning methods similar to myself.

Today, I have been working in low-level positions with social services agencies and worked in elementary schools through AmeriCorps and can say I have some applicable and accessible skills. Tomorrow I take the next chapter and begin graduate school for a Master's in Social Work program. A program of only 25, I know I will be holding study groups and doing work with people I will know well, who will mirror my passions. I'm really scared, excited, and curious. At the end of the day I observe an awareness that I didn't have in my past: I actually like to learn. ...so long as it doesn't damage my sense of self by making me feel foolish, ignorant or incompetent.

In writing this, I debated making this an inspirational piece to modify to school system, but found that wasn't necessary. This was written as a comparison of the then versus the now. This is the first time I am choosing to go to school, choosing which school to attend and choosing exactly what I want to learn. A wise friend told me not to fuck it up- and while I have one powerful voice inside that says, "OH GOD I JUST MIGHT," I have another, new, uprising voice that says, "I got this."

I breathe deep and am going to attempt to enjoy my fear (it masks my enthusiasm but designates it) and relish in my confidence- which in the past has been tremendously infrequent.